God and the sinner
O Lord, before there was, you were (Gen. 1:1). When there was nothing - no heaven or earth to engage your attention; no universe to be upheld by your power; no angels to sing your praises - you were alone: self contained, self sufficient, self satisfied, and in need of nothing, throughout a past eternity.[1]
And then you spoke (Heb. 11:3). You, who "worketh all things after the counsel of his own will" (Eph. 1:11). "Light", and it happened. "Expanse", and it happened. "Waters", and it happened. "Vegetation", and it happened. You made man in your image, and gave him dominion over the earth. And all things were made to the praise of your glory. For from You and through You and to You are all things (Rom. 11:36).
You laid the foundations of the earth (Job 38:4), and made the clouds its garment (v. 9). You determined its measurements, and laid its cornerstone (v. 5-6). You satisfy the appetite of the lions, when they crouch in their dens; and you provide for the raven its prey, when its young ones cry for help (v. 40-41). You cause the hawks to spread their wings, and at your command the eagle makes his nest (v. 27). O Lord, the heavenly master, it is no wonder the seraphim cry: "Holy, holy, holy is the LORD of hosts; the whole earth is full of his glory!" (Isa. 6:3) And no one can look upon you.
O Lord, tell me then, what is man that you are mindful of him (Ps. 8:4)? You formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb (Ps. 139:13). You have searched me and known me. "You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar" (v. 1-2).
And so then, my master, you must know that there was nothing good in me. Wretched man that I am! (Rom. 7:24) You must have seen how I hungered after the praise of people whose approval meant a respectable life for me;[2] how I took the gifts that you gave me, and thought of them as my own - using them for deeds that were hateful to you. Little did I know, O Lord, that I had not possessed anything that I did not receive (1 Cor. 4:7). What great vanity was in me! For I boasted as though I had not received - as if I had anything that was inherently mine.
You saw, you who governs all creation from above, how I took every blessing and used it for evil, seeking only to satisfy my lusts and ambition. O what great folly was in me, that I would weep for my reputation, but did not weep for the death of my own soul, which was coming about through not loving you, O God.[3] For outwardly I sang your praise; and outwardly I danced before you. But inwardly my soul was wasting away, for I did not love you, my master. You were not attractive to me then. And in your place my inordinate affections cried out only for approval of the world. Vanity upon vanity.
I know you know all this, O Lord, for you see every sinful deed done in the cover of darkness as clearly as it were committed in broad daylight (Ps. 139:2-12). And you were pleased to let me go on in my sinfulness. You were pleased to leave my eyes blinded to your sweetness. For although pure gold, even much fine gold, lay before me, I chose my own vomit and prefered to amuse myself in the mud. And this, only becuase I could not recognise honey as honey; and silver as silver. My affections were a broken compass, leading the wanderer astray and into the pit.
O Lord, were you watching me? In great futility did I try to put a great sinful lust to death. I sought to mortify my lust, not because I loved you, nor because I feared you, nor because I cherished communion with you, nor because I hated sin as sin. But only because it vexed my conscience, and disquieted my soul, and stirred up trouble for me. In consequence, I set myself against the particular sin of lust, while neglecting to love, cherish, and to abide in your word. How pitiful was I, since I made war with one sin, but neglected to consider that my whole body were nothing but sin![4] O how my soul was deceived to think that such efforts could save me! By them I was made a self-justifier and a hypocrite! Who could call me out of that miserable state? I was a man bent on mending a hole in the wall, oblivious to the raging fire consuming the whole house.[5]
Can men make bricks without straw? Or the builder construct a house without a shovel? "Can sin be killed without an interest in the death of Christ, or mortified without the Spirit?"[6] So how will unregenerate sinners live without the grace of God? But I did not see the folly of my ways. I did not fly to the cross of Christ. Because you were pleased, O master of my heart, that I should remain lost in my unmortified lust for a little while more.
And though I loved you not; and did not see it fit to worship you with all my heart, you called me to yourself, and lay your hand upon me. In your mercies, you said to my soul, "I myself am your rescue". You said it in such a way that I heard it. You opened my ear and said to my soul: "I myself am your rescue". And I ran after the sound of your voice and laid hold of you. O Lord! Do not hide your face from me. Let me die, to keep me from dying, and let me see your face.[7]
Your placed your Holy Spirit in me, and awakened my heart that was dead in sin, so that my tongue could cry aloud in sorrow, and my lips could beg you for your mercy, which you give, according to your steadfast love (Ps. 51:1). I repent in dust and ashes, because in your grace, you had given me sight to see myself a sinner and nothing but a sinner.[8] You caused me to pray earnestly for my soul, that I would want nothing more than yourself. And you heard my pleas, O Master, for you are a God that is pleased to bestow blessings in response to prayer - for it manifests your glory that man should awake to see his utter dependence on you for every good thing.
Therefore, Master of my soul, it was not I, but you in me (Phil. 2:13), that threw myself unto you. You impressed deep into my heart the truth that was in my head: that Christ is able to save to the uttermost, those who draw near to God through Him (Heb. 7:25). So that on that fearful day of judgement, when asked wherein consists my righteousness, I shall point to Christ, and say, "in Him is all my righteousness".
You make me burst with joy, O God! You give me a firm foundation to rest all my hope. You take a wretched sinner as myself, and adopt him as your own son. You adorn him with gold and silver, and love him to make him lovely. O Lord, my sweetness, woe to me if I am silent, for who can resist your grace? Open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise (Ps. 51:15). Let my tongue testify of your goodness, and my limbs dance because of your mercies. For you alone are good.
O Lord, let me turn to that indwelling sin that creeps at the door and say: How shall I, who has been made dead to sin, live any longer therein? (Rom. 6:1-2) How shall I continue in great evil, and sin against you, my Lord, my good and gracious God? (Gen 39:9) "Shall I daily grieve that Spirit whereby I am sealed to the day of redemption?"[9] By no means! For the love of Christ constrains me (2 Cor. 5:14). And I have become a slave to righteousness (Rom. 6:18).
[1] Arthur W. Pink, The Attributes of God (1975), Baker Books.
[2] Augustine of Hippo, Confessions, A New Translation by Sarah Ruden, The Modern Library, New York, at Book I, section 30.
[3] Ibid.
[4] John Owen, The Mortification of Sin (2006), Christian Focus Publishing Ltd, at p 78-82.
[5] Id, at p 78.
[6] Id, at p 79-80, see also Romans 8:13.
[7] Supra n 2, at Book I, section 6.
[8] Thomas Watson, The Doctrine of Repentence, Puritan Paperbacks.
[9] Supra n 4, at p 112.
